i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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