He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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