Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
