my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
