you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
