God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
