he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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