I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Randomize
