new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize