My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
