if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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