There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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