As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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