I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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