A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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