I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
