it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
