Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
