He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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