Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
