Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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