The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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