you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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