I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
