So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
