he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
