She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
