dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
