Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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