My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
