garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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