On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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