I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
