Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
