I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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