sarcasm needs its own font
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
