It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
