I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Text me some of your sweat
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
