I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
