I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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