Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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