So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Randomize