God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I will be naked everywhere
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
