His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just gargled with NyQuil
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
