please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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