Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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