my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
FUCK WHALES
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize