i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
