Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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