I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think I just sharted jello shots
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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