she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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