How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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