You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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