Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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