I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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