We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
