I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
There are leaves in my underwear?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
