then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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