I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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