that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I think your dad took our porno
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
