we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
