yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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