I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
