girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
