i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
