I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize