checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
