we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
