Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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