i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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