You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
