so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize