Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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