so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
